Anyone else in the identity gap?

Morning!

I hope this finds you with something iced, something cozy, or something calming in hand.

If not, you already know what I’m about to say… go get it.

This is your Sunday self-exploration time.

Today’s reflection is a vulnerable one (although when isn’t it lol).

It’s about a space I think a lot of us end up in… but don’t always have words for.

I call it: The Identity Gap.

I’ve been in it so many times before, and yet, it always catches me off guard and hits like a ton of bricks.

It starts as this vague “off” feeling - easy to blame on your period, the planets, or work stress.

There’s a low level tension.
An internal pull in two directions.
That rising feeling of dissonance and a lot of questions… do I still enjoy this work? Is this the life I want? Do I still want to live here?

You start to feel a distance forming. From your routines. From friends. From yourself.
And the usual culprits - burnout or breakdown, don’t quite fit.

It’s something in between.

And it turns out, more specifically, that you’re in between.

You’re living in that strange, lonely space between who you used to be… and who you’re becoming. People see one thing, and you feel another.

It’s TOUGH - feeling so out of sync with the world. No longer stable in the relationship you’d built with yourself.

And I would know, as I’m in it right now. I think a few of us are.

So let’s explore it together.

As always, I have a lesson, 3 questions and a dare for you 

[A LESSON]

The identity gap is the space between how the world sees you…

… and how you feel inside.

It often shows up as:

→ Feeling misaligned or disconnected
→ Playing a role that doesn’t quite fit anymore
→ Saying “I’m fine,” while your inner world is anything but
→ Wanting to show up differently, but defaulting to old patterns

And while it feels like something is wrong, it’s usually just a sign that something’s changing.

Here’s what psychology tells us:

1. Your sense of self is constantly evolving.
In developmental psychology, this process is called identity reconstruction.
As we move through major transitions, career shifts, breakups, burnout, even success, our internal self-concept tries to catch up to a new external reality.

But here’s the catch: that internal shift doesn’t always keep pace with the external world, or how others perceive us. That mismatch? That’s the gap.

2. Self-concept clarity matters. A lot.
Research shows that people with higher self-concept clarity (a clear and confident understanding of who you are) tend to experience greater emotional well-being, resilience, and sense of purpose.

But clarity doesn’t always feel clear at first. In fact, it often drops before it expands.
When you’re in transition, your previous sense of self starts to blur — before the next one fully clicks into place. That’s this bit.

Uncomfortable? Yes.
But necessary? Absolutely.

Ugh.

3. The gap creates dissonance AND opportunity.
Cognitive dissonance is what we feel when our internal beliefs and our external identity or behaviours don’t align. It creates psychological tension and our minds desperately want to resolve that.

So the discomfort you’re feeling?
It’s not just emotional — it’s neurological.
Your brain is actively trying to reconcile who you were with who you’re becoming.

And if you can stay with that process, instead of numbing it or rushing through it, you’ll come out the other side with a deeper, more integrated sense of self.

Because the truth is:

You’re not “lost.”
You’re just in the hallway between identities.

And even when it feels like nothing’s working…
The real work is happening underneath. You are moving, changing and evolving.

So keep going.

I unfortunately know this season WELL (it feels like I’m here every couple of years). So here are a few things that help me navigate it

• Daily self-check-ins. I spend 7 minutes in silence (just listening to my body and thoughts), followed by 1–2 pages of stream-of-consciousness journaling.

• Doing small things that nourish me. Reading over lunch, taking breaks, treating myself to a bougie coffee — little signals of care.

• Listening to the nudges. Noticing the pulls, the sparks, the quiet whispers of the next version of me (and taking note).

• Being more honest. When people ask how I’m doing, I try to tell the truth — even if it’s just a little more real than usual.

• Getting excited. Change can be scary and uncomfortable… but it’s also what keeps life alive. I remind myself that something new is trying to take shape. A new chapter is on the horizon.

[3 QUESTIONS ]

1. Where in your life are you acting out of alignment with how you actually feel?

2. What values or new ways of being are starting to call you forward?

3. When can you schedule some REAL time with yourself this week? A slow morning, coffee date, quiet evening at home? etc.
   

[A DARE]

This week, I dare you to name the gap.

Not in a vague, “I’m feeling off” kind of way.

But clearly. Compassionately. In detail.

Name where you feel disconnected. Name what feels false. Name what’s trying to shift, even if you don’t have the exact language for it yet. Try…

You can write it. Speak it. Voice-note it to a friend.

But the simple act of naming it? That’s how reintegration begins.

You don’t need to “figure it all out.”

You just need to stop pretending you’re not changing.

[COMMUNITY BOARD]

We’re coming up on two and a half years of building the world of SELFHOOD full-time — and it means so much to finally see this idea, once only in my head, start to come to life.

The vision has always been clear: To build the go-to space for anyone navigating a self or identity “thing.” Somewhere, people could come when they felt lost, stuck, or ready for something more and be met with options and experiences that meet them exactly where they’re at.

And we’re getting there. Slowly but surely.

→ Start with a Self-Date.

If you’re looking to get back into (or start!) journaling — you’ll want to try our Self-Dating experience. It’s a 90-minute guided journey that introduces you to the version of you who exists today — including the stories you’ve been telling yourself… and the ones you might be ready to rewrite.

→ Want something deeper + tailored?

We have a few private coaching spots open in August. This is for those of you who are done spinning in circles and ready to make a meaningful shift.

In these 6-week 1:1 sessions, we’ll rebuild the foundation — your values, beliefs, and core identity patterns — so that stepping into your next chapter stops feeling like a fight… and becomes inevitable.

→ Something in between? Coming soon.

We’ve been quietly working on something new - an experience that bridges the two. It’ll give you coaching and guidance, but in a self-paced format designed for those currently moving through the in-between. The “I’m not who I was… but I’m not quite sure who I’m becoming yet” space.

If that’s where you are right now and you want something to hold your hand through it, reply to this email with “I’m in the gap”, and we’ll reach out when it’s ready.

Thanks for being here, and for choosing to keep meeting more of yourself.

We’re just getting started.

See you on a Sunday!

L

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