How much of your identity is borrowed?

Hiiii friend👋🏾

Update on this end - we’ve moved location again 🧳

Our temporary home is now Mexico City and I’m already obsessed!

Have you seeeen the coffee shops here?!?

Naturally, I’ve found myself exploring and working from as many as possible, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say, it’s definitely increased my awareness of how I’m being perceived.

🤔 Do I look like a tourist?

🤔 Do they think my style is strange?

🤔 Am I overstaying my welcome, should I buy another coffee?

It’s something we all do (not always consciously).

The way we present ourselves is a negotiation between who we think we are and who we think others believe us to be.

This is the Looking Glass Self, and it plays out in subtle but powerful ways, and today we’re getting into it.

If you’re a regular here, you know EXACTLY what I’m about to say…

I hope you’re somewhere cozy with a beverage of choice. As always I have a lesson, 3 questions and a dare for you!

[A LESSON]

It happens in an instant.

You’re at a party, telling a story, and the person across from you crosses their arms over their chest. Do they disagree? Think you’re boring? Overexplaining? Trying too hard? Your voice catches for a split second before you recover, subtly adjusting your delivery to keep them engaged—or at least to keep yourself from feeling exposed.

Later, replaying the moment in your head, you wonder if they were judging you at all. Maybe they were just cold. Maybe they weren’t even listening. But by then, it’s too late. You’ve already absorbed their reaction—or rather, your perception of it—and woven it into the ever-growing narrative of who you are. It’s official - you’re shit at telling stories.

This is the Looking Glass Self, a concept introduced by sociologist Charles Horton Cooley in 1902.

It suggests that we build our self-concept not in isolation but through the imagined eyes of others. In other words, we don’t just see ourselves—we see ourselves being seen. And in that reflection, we decide who we are.

It works in three steps:

1. We imagine how we appear to others.

2. We interpret their reaction (rightly or wrongly).

3. We adjust our self-concept accordingly.

This happens constantly and unconsciously, shaping everything from our confidence to our sense of humor, our ambition to our style.

The Distorted Mirror

The problem, of course, is that mirrors lie. Or at the very least, they warp.

Think about the last time you posted something on social. Before hitting “publish,” you likely ran the caption through a few filters. Is this interesting enough? Smart enough? Does this sound like me? Will people find this funny? Then, once the post is up, every like, comment, or eerie silence adds another layer to your self-perception. Even if no one explicitly tells you what they think, you fill in the blanks.

And that’s the tricky part: we react not to how people actually see us, but how we think they see us. Our self-image is often shaped by assumptions, anxieties, and half-remembered social cues.

The Looking Glass Self is also why we show up differently in different settings. At work, you might be polished and competent. With old friends, maybe you’re the loud one, the funny one, the responsible one—roles assigned long ago that you still feel obligated to play. With family, you might shrink back into patterns you thought you outgrew.

Breaking the Feedback Loop

If our self-concept is built on reflections, how do we stop being at the mercy of funhouse mirrors?

One way is to question the assumptions we make about how others see us.

Next time you catch yourself wondering, do they think I’m awkward? Do they find me interesting? Do they even like me?—pause and ask:

• Do I have actual evidence of this, or am I making it up?

• If this person does see me that way, why does their opinion carry so much weight?

Another strategy is to broaden the range of people reflecting back at you. If one social group sees you in a way that doesn’t resonate, expose yourself to new circles—ones that reflect back something closer to the person you want to be.

And most importantly, cultivate an identity that isn’t entirely dependent on external validation 😬

The irony of the Looking Glass Self is that while we spend so much time worrying about how others perceive us, everyone else is too busy doing the exact same thing. We are all, to some degree, trapped in our own imagined reflections. But there’s freedom in realizing that the mirror is, in part, an illusion—one that we can choose to look away from when it no longer serves us.

[3 QUESTIONS ]

1. What’s one belief about yourself that might be based on assumption rather than fact?

2. Where do you feel most like yourself, without worrying about how others see you?

3. How would you show up differently if you stopped adjusting based on imagined perceptions?

[A DARE]

Okay, I dare you…

For the next 24 hours, notice every time you tweak your behaviour based on how you think you’re being perceived.

Then, ask yourself: Is this who I want to be? Or am I just reacting to a reflection?

[COMMUNITY BOARD]

We went on the BEST lunch date on Friday with one of our favourite communities on the internet - Growclass. If you don’t know who they are (you should), it’s a crew of super smart, kind, hilarious growth marketers, and a time was had!

We spent an hour together on Zoom for a private Self-Dating speed round.

4 stations, 5 minutes, 1 second date.

We are now also providing online experiences, for companies and communities and private events. Also, as a personal sufferer of long-distance friendships 😢 , we aren’t opposed to hosting something for you and your personal crew.

Reach out and we will see what we can do!

As always, If this struck a chord, hit reply and tell me: What’s one way you want to redefine how you see yourself?

See you on a Sunday,
L

P.S. We adore the community we’re building with this newsletter and we’d love to invite a few more folks. Do you have a friend you think might also enjoy some Sunday self-exploration?

If so, we’d be eternally grateful if you forward them this email or let them know they can »> Sign up here «<