Is it your personality? Or a part?

Hey hey,

Don’t you think it’s funny how it’s often the everyday moments that reveal the most about us?

Last Saturday, I stood frozen in the middle of a bookstore, cradling Parable of the Sower (by Octavia Butler). It felt like a sign. I'd been thinking about this book for weeks, and then there it was, displayed right at the front. I picked it up, flipped it to read the back and paused when I saw the main character’s name: Lauren. (How did I not know that?!) It was clearly meant to be. I wanted it.

But as quickly as desire arose, a loud, logical voice barged in.

Do you really need another book right now?
You already have three books on the go.
$28.99 is kind of a lot for a paperback.
You have a lot of outgoings this month. Be responsible. Put it back.

I stood there, book in hand, mid-debate. And not a polite internal conversation, either. It was a tug-of-war between two strong, convincing inner forces.

You probably know that feeling too - the inner clash. One part of you wants to splurge, the other is focused on saving. One part wants to rest, the other shames you for not doing more. You waffle between replying to that text and disappearing entirely. You crave intimacy and fear it. You want to take the risk and also play it safe.

It’s easy to think this push-pull is a character flaw. That you’re inconsistent. Wishy-washy. Lacking willpower or clarity.

But what if it’s not your personality—what if it’s just a couple of parts at play?

That’s what we’ll be exploring today, specifically the world of IFS (Internal Family Systems).

You know the deal, I hope you’re somewhere cozy, with your beverage of choice.

As always, I have a lesson, three questions, and a dare for you. Let’s do this!

[A LESSON]

Most of us walk through life assuming we are singular beings with a unified self - a personality, a way of doing things, a set of preferences that more or less stay the same. So when we feel conflicted or contradictory, we chalk it up to being indecisive, inconsistent, or in need of more therapy.

But what if that tension isn’t a flaw… it’s a feature?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It invites us to view ourselves not as one monolithic self, but as an internal system made up of many parts. These parts - each with their own desires, fears, histories, and coping strategies- form a kind of inner family. And like any family, they don’t always agree.

This model has exploded in popularity because it gives language to something many of us feel but don’t know how to articulate: I want two opposite things at the same time. And both feel true.

Think about it: You can deeply crave closeness in a relationship… and simultaneously feel terrified of being vulnerable.

You can want to be bold and seen… while also wanting to stay safe and anonymous.

You can want to succeed without burning out… but still feel unable to stop pushing yourself past your limits.

IFS says: Of course you feel that way. It’s not because you’re confused. It’s because different parts of you are trying to lead, each based on the experiences they’ve had.

Here’s a quick overview of how these parts often show up:

🧑🏾‍💼 Managers: the planners, the performers, the controllers
These are the parts that try to keep your life looking functional. They make to-do lists, micromanage your schedule, and anticipate every possible failure. They’re the overachievers, the perfectionists, the parts that say “we must be liked.”

🔥 Firefighters: the numb-ers, distractors, escapists
When emotions start bubbling up that feel too much, the firefighters leap into action. They scroll, binge, sleep, drink, shop, or withdraw. Their job is to put out the fire fast—even if it’s not graceful.

👶🏽 Exiles: the wounded inner children
These are the parts that hold the pain we’ve pushed down—memories of rejection, shame, humiliation, abandonment. Often young and tender, these parts are the most vulnerable—and the most powerful when left unseen.

🌱 Self: the calm, curious, compassionate center
This is not a part, but your inner anchor. The Self is the seat of consciousness—the “you” who can observe without judging, hold without fixing, and lead with wisdom. It’s the part of you that knows how to be with all the others.

Here’s the liberating truth at the heart of IFS:

Every part of you exists for a reason, and every part believes it’s helping.

Even the part that procrastinates. Even the part that lashes out. Even the part that never stops criticizing you. These behaviours don’t show up randomly; they’re strategies your system developed to protect you, often when you were much younger and less equipped to cope.

That part of you that panics when someone doesn’t text back?
It might be trying to protect a younger part that was left or ignored.

The part that pushes you to overwork?
It may be trying to make sure you never feel worthless again.

The part that numbs with food or TikTok?
It could be trying to calm down another part that’s deeply anxious or afraid.

Once you start seeing your internal world as a system - with layers, roles, and logic - you stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking: “Which part of me is showing up right now, and what is it trying to do for me?”

This is what real self-connection looks like.

Not brutal self-discipline. Not spiritual bypassing. Not telling yourself to "calm down and get it together." But actually getting curious. Inviting all your parts to the table. And learning how to lead them, not with force, but with compassion.

When you shift your relationship to your inner world, everything changes.

[3 QUESTIONS ]

1. When was the last time I felt torn between two options? Which parts of me were present?
   

2. If I could speak to one part of me with curiosity instead of control, what would I want to ask?

3. If I trusted that even my messiest parts were doing their best, how would I relate to them differently?
   

[A DARE]

Okay, I dare you…

to have coffee with a Part.

This week, make space to meet one of your inner parts—intentionally.
Carve out 30 minutes. Brew your favourite drink. Sit at a table like you’re meeting someone important (because you are). And simply ask: Who’s here right now? What do you want me to know?

Let it be slow. Let it be weird. Be open to what comes up.

And if you’re in Toronto, come do it with us in person next Sunday (April 27th).

This month’s Self-Dating experience is all about meeting a few more of the selves that make you you. We’ll gather over coffee and fresh pastries for a guided, 3-hour exploration with five prompts, quiet reflection, and space to connect with others on the same path.

🗓️ Sunday, April 27th
⏰ 11am–2pm
📍 Abrielle at The Sutton Place Hotel
🎟️ A few tables left—save your seat here

All you need to do is show up curious. We’ll take care of the rest.

See you on a Sunday!

L

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