The Hidden Cost of Being "Likable"

Hiiii,

my name is Lauren and I’m a recovering people pleaser 👋🏾

As I reflect on my own identity journey (which, honestly, I do a lot), I’ve come to realize that one of the most detrimental things I did early on, was trying to be liked all the time.

I wanted to be considered “nice” — someone everyone could get along with. But I learned the hard way that it’s pretty much impossible to be YOUR self and keep everyone else happy 🙃

That realization led me to make an important distinction: between being nice and being kind. It might sound a bit weird to say, but nowadays the last thing I want to be is “nice” — like, bluegh.

But I will always pride myself on being a kind, caring, and empathetic person.

For me, the goal has shifted from trying to please everyone, to owning and standing firmly in who I am. And you know what? That’s opened me up to finding my people, the ones who get me. But it’s also meant coming face-to-face with those who are very not my people. That’s part of the deal.

The peace I’ve found in trading likeability for honesty has been deeply freeing. And today, I want to dive into that shift—what it means, how it’s played out for me, and why it could be exactly what you need, too.

Time to find somewhere cozy with a beverage of choice. As always, I have a lesson, 3 questions and a dare for you!

[A LESSON]

TLDR; - The price of being "likable" is often your own self-trust.

Ok, I’ll back up…

So let’s just put it out there now (we’re all friends here) - we all want to be liked.

Despite my big chat up top, it’s a need that’s l i t e r a l l y hardwired into us.

From an evolutionary standpoint, being accepted by the group meant safety, survival, and connection. But as time went on, maybe this drive to be liked became too much of a focus. When we focus too much on being liked, we often end up sacrificing pieces of our Self in the process.

The biggest cost of trying to be “likable” is often the erosion of something we don’t even realize is happening until it’s too late: self-trust.

You know that feeling when you say “yes” to something, even though you really want to say “no”?

Or when you avoid expressing a strong opinion because you don’t want to rock the boat?

We’ve all been there.

It might feel like the easy way out, but every time we shrink ourselves to keep others comfortable, we’re choosing their comfort over our own authenticity.

What we don’t realize in those moments is that self-trust is built by listening to your own instincts. When we bend to be liked, we’re actively telling ourselves that our voice, our needs, and our feelings are less important than someone else’s approval. This creates an inner conflict that can lead to confusion, frustration, and a sense of disconnection from ourselves.

You start to lose touch with your own gut instincts, your desires, and what really matters to you. And eventually, the more you prioritize others' approval, the harder it becomes to even hear what you want or need.

That’s why making the distinction between being “nice” and being “kind” has been a game changer for me. Nice, in my view, is about avoiding conflict and keeping things smooth—sometimes at the cost of honesty. Kindness, on the other hand, is about being honest with love. It’s about respecting yourself enough to speak your truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about showing up for others with compassion while also honouring your own boundaries.

For me, standing firmly in my truth has meant finding peace in being honest over being liked. And while it’s led me to connect more deeply with the people who really resonate with me, it’s also meant that I’ve faced rejection and discomfort from others. But here’s what I’ve learned: that’s okay. The trade-off is worth it because it’s given me something invaluable—peace.

So, if you’re in a place where you’re feeling pulled to please, to keep everyone happy, or to mould yourself to fit into others’ expectations, just know this: You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to belong to yourself FIRST. And when you do, the people who align with you will naturally find you—and the rest…. well…

[3 QUESTIONS ]

1. Where have you made yourself smaller to keep the peace?
   Think back to a recent situation where you held back what you truly felt or wanted. How did that affect your sense of self afterward?

2. What’s one thing you’ve said “yes” to that no longer serves you?
   Maybe it’s a habit, a relationship, or an obligation. How does this constant “yes” affect your energy, your peace of mind, or your self-trust?

3. How would your life change if you trusted yourself more?
   Imagine a version of you that fully honoured your needs, said “no” when it mattered, and expressed your true opinions without hesitation. What would your day-to-day look like?

[A DARE]

Okay, I dare you…

To take one brave step toward rebuilding your self-trust this week.

Say “no” to something that drains you, a commitment that no longer feels aligned, or a conversation where you’d usually just go with the flow.

It might feel uncomfortable, but trust me—it will be freeing. Remember, your job isn’t to be palatable—it’s to be YOU.

[COMMUNITY BOARD]

EXCITING NEWS TORONTO FRIENDS!! 🎉🎉

We are starting to plan our April Self-Dating experience (Eeek), and we are venue hunting.

We already have a few places in mind, but we also wanted to ask you! Do you have a space, cafe, office, bar, or location you’d like to see us host in?

We’re looking for bright, cute, accessible and spacious… apart from that, we’re pretty open.

Our partnership with the MAGNIFICANT Lisbon hotel, definitely set the bar high!

Any ideas?

So, what’s one thing you’re saying no to this week? Hit reply and let me know—I want to hear it!

(and saying no to me, doesn’t count 🙄)

See you on a Sunday,
L

P.S. We adore the community we’re building with this newsletter and we’d love to invite a few more folks. Do you have a friend you think might also enjoy some Sunday self-exploration?

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