Your identities are not prisons, but doorways

Hiii friend,

Settle in - grab that beverage, maybe some snacks, and get comfortable.

Today’s email has been inspired by a beautiful piece my friend Dani wrote - which was inspired by a question I asked her - about a book she was telling me about - during a conversation we had on Monday.

The power of introspective conversations with your favourite people!

Her article was titled When was the last time you wrote for you? and in it, she writes:

Whether she claims the identity of “writer” or not, it cannot be denied that Dani has a beautiful way with words (you can explore more of her work here).

After years of fumbling my way through messaging and positioning for SELFHOOD, in these three paragraphs, she has absolutely nailed it - why I believe this work is so important, and the conversations I wish more people were having.

So let’s talk about it. Specifically, that part about “giving yourself permission to flirt with your many identities”.

As always, I have a lesson, 3 questions and a dare for you.

[A LESSON]

One of the most liberating ideas I’ve come across in psychology is from James Marcia’s theory of identity status. It suggests that identity isn’t something you have — it’s something you’re constantly exploring and evolving.

We tend to treat identity like it’s a final destination:
“I’m this kind of person.”
“I’m not that.”
“I’ve always been like this.”

But that way of thinking can quietly trap us.

There’s a concept in psychology called self-complexity. It’s the idea that we’re made up of multiple, distinct parts. Not just one identity, but a collection of roles, interests, and ways of being. Research shows that people with higher self-complexity — meaning they have a more diverse, flexible sense of self — tend to experience:

• Better emotional resilience. When one area of life goes wrong, it doesn’t shatter your entire sense of who you are.

• Lower stress levels. You’re less likely to feel overwhelmed because you’re not putting all your self-worth in one basket.

• Greater well-being overall. You have more “rooms to retreat to” internally, more sources of meaning, more ways to express yourself.

Think about it: if your entire identity is wrapped up in being a “successful professional,” a bad week at work can feel catastrophic. But if you also see yourself as a curious learner, a playful friend, a committed runner, an aspiring painter, you have other doorways to step through. Other ways to feel whole.

Flirting with your identities means consciously cultivating this kind of self-complexity.

It’s giving yourself permission to:

• Be serious and silly.

• Be ambitious and nurturing.

• Be a leader at work and a beginner in dance class.

Not because you have to “do it all,” but because you deserve to experience the fullness of who you are.

Psychologists have found that people with flexible, multifaceted identities are not only happier but also more adaptable; they navigate change with less fear because they’re used to shifting between selves. They trust that no matter what life throws at them, there’s another version of them ready to rise to it.

So as I’ve said before, maybe the work isn’t to “find yourself” once and for all.
Maybe it’s to keep discovering yourself, over and over again.

Because your identities? They’re not walls to contain you.
As Dani so beautifully put, they’re doorways to meet more of you.

[3 QUESTIONS ]

1. Where could you give yourself low-stakes permission to experiment with a new side of you this week?

2. What identities have you previously flirted with (those parts that may have only stuck around for a season or two)?

3. Who do you know that is great at flirting (with the many parts of who they are)? What could you learn from them?
   

[A DARE]

This week I dare you to…

Do something that surprises even you.

Something that would make the people who “think they know you” tilt their head and go, huh? Not to prove anything. Not for the gram. Just to remind yourself how many doorways you still have to walk through.

My flight to Japan boards in 2 hours, so I know there will be several new doorways waiting for me on the other side. I can’t wait!

See you on a Sunday,

L

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